Putting The Record Straight

Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year I want a long-ear Jerboa because they are soooo cute bless them, Spice Girls tickets, a Tiffany diamond, a racehorse, a world cruise... oh sorry wrong list.

Anyway I don't have anything to moan about right now because today was eerily quiet at work, which I love! I do want to clarify a few things for workmates though:

1) Most importantly I am not leaving. Get it into your heads I'm still gonna be around to flout company rules, take the piss, overlook blatant rule breaking etc for a good while yet

2) Yes I have been promoted - no I don't know what my job title is yet

3) Yes I have a payrise - no I'm not telling you what it is

4) I am not dating you know who

5) I am not dying! Four of you in particular are obsessed with how ill I looked today.... I don't know why I looked "off" but Im fine - really. Bar my fucked up neck/shoulder of course but there's NOTHING terminal going on. If there was you guys would be the first to know xx

and finally 6) Leave my fucking jingling xmas tree alone. If one more person so much as touches my bells, I'll rip your balls off & wear them as earrings... on second thoughts they'd all be too small so scratch that. I'll think of something else.

Ciao for now

TJ